For a long time, I felt like I was living inauthentically. I wasn’t living for myself. There was something that wasn’t quite matching up on the inside to how I was presenting myself on the outside. These 3 months in lockdown have made me question a lot of the choices that I have made in the past, making me ask myself why I was doing what I used to do.
With this ongoing pandemic, I know that I can count myself really lucky in this current situation. I still have a job, I am able to work safely from home, I’m not struggling for basic necessities, and my family and friends are healthy. I am so grateful that I don’t have these major worries, which has allowed me to use this time to focus on myself and why I was feeling so disjointed, so inauthentic. And so with this quieter and slower rhythm that we have been living in, I have let myself stop and observe and think about what really serves my soul.
Being a people pleaser is so natural to me, that I don’t even realise when it starts to take away from who I am. So actually being away from people for a while has made me realise that I don’t need to always say yes. I don’t always need to do something for someone else, that might not necessarily not serve myself. And speaking on a more superficial level, I can write and post about what makes me happy, regardless of what others might think.
One of the major things that lockdown has provided me, is time to pick up my journal again. I stopped for a while, thinking that I didn’t have enough time to. I did, I just did not prioritise it. Self-reflection and the act of writing down any thoughts that arise have helped immensely. To have this whole space that I can write down whatever I want, no matter how absurd and ridiculous, knowing that there are no judgements.
I always see myself as a ‘work in progress’, but I think that I confused being busy with progression.